Tuesday, June 1, 2010

One Little Decision...

A few days ago,  I was wandering through Target.  Lydia and I had popped in to pick up a few things and wound up in the book section.  Just browsing and I noticed a few books I've been meaning to read.  (Life gets crazy and sometimes I forget what I wanted to read)  So I jotted down a few titles and when I got home, I looked them up on the library website.  Have I mentioned how much I love my library?

One of the books available was My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Piccoult.  This is a book that came out a few years ago and became hugely popular after it was made into a movie.  I remember wanting to read it when it came out so I was really excited to pick this one up.  After I started reading, I could barely put it down.  Finally around midnight Monday night, I finished.  It was one of those books that you just can't stop reading.

Without giving too much away, the story follows a 13 year old girl who is seeking medical emancipation from her parents.  As it turns out, she was conceived after her older sister was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.  Her parents sought out a genetic counselor in an attempt to conceive a child who could hopefully help them save their other daughter.

As I'm reading this book, it's hard not to put myself in the story.  The family starts out very similar to mine, two kids, a boy and a girl, both the same ages as Noah and Lydia.  And yet at the opening of the book, I'm confronted with a family that's on the verge of self-destruction.  I can't possibly understand how they got to this point and I immediately think, "What were they thinking?"  I feel like I've got the who story figured out before it even begins.

But as I book progresses, as much as I disagree with the parents, I begin to see how they got to this point.  It wasn't one of those huge monumental decisions that changed their lives.  Rather it was a series of small choices, balancing the pro and cons to make the best decision, a slippery slope that leads them down the path where they find themselves.  And it's at this point that the book really starts to get to me.

How many of these little decisions do I make every day?  I know what kind of mom I want to be, what kind of people I hope to raise, how I envision my children pursuing God and living as a family.  And each day I make little decisions that will shape them, little decisions that, although important, don't all seem monumental in the moment.  But still each little decision leads to another, leads to another, leads to another.

Only a day into this book, I was a wreck. Coming on the heels of all this community talk, this story really hit a nerve.  I found myself overwhelmed by what this family was going through, how it could be our family.  How I could easily by THAT mom loosing her kids without even realizing it.  I found myself closing the book at midnight and nearly sobbing as I cried out to God: "Don't ever left me loose my kids in my nearsightedness." And there in the dark and the silence, came the reassurance I'd been seeking.

You see as hard as I try to raise my kids correctly, as much as I desire the best for them, there comes a point where I reach the end of myself.  I'm selfish, I'm nearsighted, I'm tired, I'm pulled in a thousand directions and on it goes.  One little decision reaches another, and another, and another.  All I can do is make sure I'm on my knees and leave the rest to God.

That's it?  That's the answer?  Basically...

There's only so much I can do in my humanity.  Pray to God for wisdom and then be willing to let my kids go.  Not as easy as it sounds huh?  Sometimes asking for wisdom requires obedience.  Sometimes letting your kids go requires trust.  Sometimes your kids still don't choose for themselves what you would have chosen for them.  But I can be sure that if I've done this, I've done all that I can.

I don't have it all figured out.  In fact, I'm not even sure I've been very clear in what I'm trying to convey.  I guess it boils to being fearful enough to not take my eyes off God and yet being brave enough to release my children to Him.

Do you ever have those moments when you come to the end of yourself and find God?  Share with us!


Amy said...

that was an amazing book with tears and more tears. I am not sure why things happen but maybe it is suppose to make us stronger...

Kiera said...

great book...I read it when I was 8 months pregnant with Wilson...so 5 years ago...it was an emotional book to read while you're pregnant...
lots of really hard things happen in life because of this simple thing called free will...and sin...not that the choice was ours or the sin was ours but that we live in a fallen world. But we can also know that God will walk with us through it all.

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